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Hi, me again, here for another critique.

I felt lost and confused reading this. As a screen writer you must explain everything from scenes to action. Your transitions are not the greatest. For example Mario is talking to Alice and the Duncan shows up, where the hell did he come from? And now we are at Bowser's layer. You need a smooth transition for example:

(The scene transitions to Bowser's layer where the other villains are located. Its a dark place with an 8 bit volcano in the background)

I'm going to go all Nostalgia Critic on you (if you don't know who that is, look him up) "Explain author, explain!"

Next this world make sense. Do they know they are cartoons? If so how do all these worlds merge without any confusion?

Next another pet peeve of mine; self inserts that get put in the wrong place or the wrong story. I hate it when authors make cameos or get mentioned in their own story because it looks....babyish.

Next I'm confused about whose a hero and whose a villain. Are Heather and Team Rocket villains? Because they made awful villains in their own show to begin with. TDI had no villains and for Pokemon I'd recommend using one of the bosses from the movie or another team or Giovanni because Jessie and James are failure villains. It would make sense if they were trying to be part of Team Evil but couldn't but its not.

Also I may nitpick here but Cartoon Party shouldn't be capitalized unless it is a title like Peach's Fantaboulous Cartoon Party.

Lastly, its just me but these jokes just aren't that funny. Maybe because I'm somewhat older than you and have a more sophisticated comedy style. Its just a nitpick, you can write your own style.

Now lets talk about the good things; I do get the Saturday Morning Cartoon vibe from your writing from all the charters and all the childish jokes and all the settings.

Keep up in your writing!
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choco-latte-squirrel Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Thanks again for the critique. Also, I do know who the Nostalgia Critic is.

I really can't explain anything at the moment, but all I can say is: thanks for the advice. I will also ask you for help whenever I need it. The cameos? Well, yeah I guess I did had to explain more on their appearances and how they appeared. Also, I didn't mention much on the villains, especially the Pokemon ones since I only watch the show, not play the games, so I only know Team Rocket. Sorry.

Thanks again for the critique. I would love to watch you, so I can get some help and ask you more advice.
Chibifangirl01 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks and no problem. I'd love to help you on future projects.
choco-latte-squirrel Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Please do so. I must watch you for help.
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