Why I should be president chapter 5

Chapter Five: The Sexual Experiences From a 19-Year Old Virgin

I didn't learn about the birds and the bees until fifth grade, where all the boys and all the girls had to go into separate buildings to what I used to refer as "child porn." Of course, non of the people in the room (except for the adults) took it seriously until a year later. My dad tried to explain it to me, making me feel incredibly awkward and the word "sex" was not allowed near me, unless referring to gender. 

My parents weren't very open to certain topics when it came to my childhood. Therefore even before the "child porn" sex was a "bad word." Sex didn't become a "good word" until a year after fifth grade, or I like to call it the three years of hell. 

In sixth grade, I was obsessed with Naruto. I was part of a website that was a knock off of Myspace called Myyearbook, which was also a quiz site as well as a social media network. There was one quiz that was barely a quiz called "Naruto Thirty Minutes in Heaven." I got Itachi, my anime boyfriend at the time. Lets just say the results were very naughty and introduced me to erotic fanfiction, which lets face it is 90% of fanfiction. 

I had a whole stash of naughty fics as I grew older and didn't have much views on HOW people were treated in them. Meaning, if the protagonists got raped, I enjoyed it. Sex slavery? That sounds fun. Strippers? I wanted to be one. It wasn't until RECENTLY did I find out this was a bad thing.

I was in tenth grade when I became a feminist. It was a rolemodel of mine (who was male by the way) who inspired me to be one. Thats when I learned rape and sexual slavery is not a good thing, there for even in actual porn, not just erotic fanfiction, that included rape was bad. But I kept getting educated by porn from not even watching it. I was told that porn is not real sex. There is no real passion and its all actors and most of the time it hurts the woman. 

Ever since my first erotic encounter on the internet, I have been masterbating, or the female term I call it "cooking." As I got older, my cooking was no longer 100% satisfying like it used to be. It helped me sleep, yes, but I still felt sexually frustrated as well. I didn't feel like giving myself off at any random time. I wanted it to be special.

Recently (as in in 2014) I was so sexually frustrated that I said, "you know what? I know I hate porn, but you know what? I'm horny as hell and I need something to tickle my fancy." Then I saw an ad as I was browsing threw Fakku.com, a hentai website of an actual couple having sex. My actual response was, "Do all dicks look like shriveled up wet sausages?" And I looked at the woman, spreading her legs as the camera zooms in on her cooch. In my mind I'm like, "Is the child of Satan gonna pop up?"

So I wanted to stay away from XXX and maybe try a single X instead, which is called vanilla in hentai terms. I liked them...but then again the imagery is what made me question my orientation. (Except for one, The Beginning of Adulthood, until the last panel) I began to question, what orientation am I? I like men, but dicks are scary. So mabey I like women? But vaginas are scary too. Maybe I'm asexual? No, because why would I be enjoying my Spike, Jace, Adrian, Finnick fantasy?

The hentai itself wasn't scary. But the imagery was. The Beginning of Adulthood was actually sweet and that male lead was so sexy. The only complaint I had was no woman's boobs should be the size of watermelons for a person that is about 4'11 to 5'2 without having back problems. Like I said earlier, Beginning of Adulthood wasn't scary until the last panel where I said, "It still looks like a gross sausage."

I read two other hentais, which again, I didn't consider bad content wise, but imagery wise it was like a horror movie. My brother is an avid horror movie fan and he explained to me that he dosen't get scared often UNLESS something pops up out of the blue, which is still like a whole second of a movie. So take it this way. Porn is like a horror flick and those odd angles of gentalia or what they look like is the pop up, except it lasts more than a second.

So yesterday I went to facebook and I got this response from a friend of mine: 

"Any body part is terrifying until you know the pleasure it can bring. Just because something isn't aesthetically pleasing to you at the moment, don't discredit it until you can experience it with emotions involved. What you want to do when you think clearly is very different to the way you want to please when you are aroused by someone or love them so much that you want to give them as much pleasure as any person can give. Time will only give you that one."

So then I began to question wether it was a maturity thing. Not like "eew boys have cooties," but more like "maybe I should stick to cooking until I meet the right person (man or woman)" To which she answered:

"I wouldn't even say it was specifically maturity. More life experience. There is probably an element of maturity that comes with it but that maturity grows on its own and is rarely related to age. I'd say that's fairly normal (the fear of porn), if I'm honest. There are 2 camps of people: people who find porn intriguing and others who it gives the fear to! Both entirely normal and both end up with completely health sex lives!"

So the answer? Still unknown since I never actually been in a physical relationship. And before you ask, this isn't a plea for sex (Unless your Jace Wayland or Spike, then call me). I have VERY high standards. I won't even date a guy anymore if he isn't a feminist (after guy #1). This is more of an exploration piece.

What I have also learned is my "fantasies" are normal. Even after becoming a feminist, I still read fanfiction involving rape that turned me on. Why? There is something called a rape fantasy that is apparently common. In a Huffington Post story about this particular subject, the article states:

""The DSM-5 classifies many of these fantasies as paraphilic interest, i.e. 'anomalous' or not 'normophilic,'" Joyal said in an email to The Huffington Post. "The study demonstrates it is not the case -- many are statistically common."

Meaning, if I act on it, I am considered a deviant. NOT if I think about it. I think I learned a lot within those eight years and I am still learning.